Audition: TGI Friday's @ Deb Kurtz Casting
This went well...it seems like a really funny spot.
Had my doctors appt...no almonds this time. My girlfriend and I talked before I went. She kept telling me that it was not my responsibility to punish myself for this situation. As I laid on the exam table I thought of her words. I decided that I was going be strong no matter what the outcome. I was like...Ok, Lord, whatever I have to go through, I'll go through. I can take it. This exam was more involved than the last one and the doctor was different too. She was an older Asian woman and though she was nice, she wasn't too big on small talk. As a lay there my mind began to wander and a scripture crossed my mind..."Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Right after I thought that I heard the voice of the dr. say "ok, all done". I asked her what she meant. "All clear", she said. "So...everythings ok??" I asked her. She said yes but cautioned me to take it easy until all the symptoms had subsided. She told me if any issues persisted past Saturday to call them back. And then she was gone. I sat there...stunned...not really knowing how to feel. I was so accustomed to expecting the worst...I don't think any part of me really thought it would all be over today. Wow. I really never have to come back to this place again?? I was kinda in a state of shock. It's over, huh? I cried and I'm not even sure why. I got dressed and walked to my car where I had a real "moment". I called my friend and told her...she was very relieved. I was still kinda in disbelief, which she picked up on. She was like "that's good, right? I mean it's what wanted, right?" I told her yeah, but it was just really hard to believe it was all over. And it is. And thought it took some time to sink in...I'm really thankful...really really thankful.
The Quest for Forgiveness....
I thought alot about the scripture that came to me right before the doctor spoke. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I really want to grant forgiveness in this situation...for everyone involved including myself. I also really feel like I'm able to forgive...but to be perfectly honest...I feel like I need a little help. I mean I'm praying about it and I'm talking and writing about it, which helps alot...but, I feel like I need a jump start or one of those "quick start" manuals that come with a new electronic purchase. I want to start Now...but I'm not to sure how. I was talking to one of my friends and I was like "what now?" He recommended a book to me that he thought would be a really good starting place for me. So, my quest leads me to the bookstore. I asked for the book my friend recommended and was led to the appropriate section. I followed the woman past fiction, past religion, past foreign languages and we finally got to the appropriate section "New Age". Hmmmmm....not what I expected, but ok, I'm pretty open minded. She showed me the book and it was huge like a text book. I flipped through the book and it was written in this very distinctive format...like a Bible. It had chapters and verses and sort of a Christian-ish theme. Hmmmm....ok, so this isn't exactly what I was looking for...lol. I put the book back and told the woman that I needed something a little simpler and less...I don't know...just "less". The lady smiled and seemed to understand, so off we were to the Self-Help section. Ahhh, Self-Help, so this is what it's come too. The first thing I saw was some Dr. Phil book. I was quickly losing hope in this quest. I just refuse to read Dr. Phil....I just can't. A few steps more and I see all these books on self-esteem...Nope, amazingly I'm still really good on that end. I walked down a little more and I saw Oprah...ok, I like Oprah...I figured I must be headed in the right direction. Finally, I started seeing titles like "Get over it!" and "Path to Love"...I figured I'd reached my destination...for better or worse. There were a lot of books to choose from but I settled on one called Dare to Forgive. We'll see what happens...
I spoke with a friend last night. He told me that he was considering calling an ex of his and apologizing to her for a few things, and he asked my opinion on the situation. It told him that he should do what he felt was right and if he felt he had offended her that he should try to make it right. I told him that us women like to know "why", so if he was going to call her he'd better be ready to give all the information she needs. He said his reasons were simple and that at the time he just wasn't man enough to do the right thing. He told me that after seeing what I've gone through he had really been thinking about his actions toward this woman. He felt that he'd wronged her and after seeing what I've gone through, he felt that no woman should be treated that way. I wished him luck in his conversation with her and thanked him for sharing with me. It really meant alot for me to hear that. I know some think it's crazy to be so open about my personal life...honestly, sometimes I think if it's crazy myself. But to hear that this situation has caused someone to thing twice about their actions and move forward with trying to make a wrong right or perhaps avoiding a wrong at all...well, it makes it sooo worth it. If my situation that has been filled with so much pain, hurt and loss can spark a positive change in someone's life, even if for a moment, I don't know...it just make me feel as if the suffering and loss has not been in vain...that means alot to me. I need to feel that this loss was not in vain. I don't want it to be just an experience that you "move on" from. It needs to mean something...to help someone...somehow. I'm committed to that.
I've received so many emails of support, which just amazes me....I truly appreciate each and everyone who reached out to me. And thanks to all who shared their stories with me, some of which made mine look like a fairy tale (well, not really...but you know what I'm sayin). It saddens me that so much pain has come to so many. I truly hope we can all heal, forgive and learn to love and respect each other better.
This went well...it seems like a really funny spot.
Had my doctors appt...no almonds this time. My girlfriend and I talked before I went. She kept telling me that it was not my responsibility to punish myself for this situation. As I laid on the exam table I thought of her words. I decided that I was going be strong no matter what the outcome. I was like...Ok, Lord, whatever I have to go through, I'll go through. I can take it. This exam was more involved than the last one and the doctor was different too. She was an older Asian woman and though she was nice, she wasn't too big on small talk. As a lay there my mind began to wander and a scripture crossed my mind..."Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Right after I thought that I heard the voice of the dr. say "ok, all done". I asked her what she meant. "All clear", she said. "So...everythings ok??" I asked her. She said yes but cautioned me to take it easy until all the symptoms had subsided. She told me if any issues persisted past Saturday to call them back. And then she was gone. I sat there...stunned...not really knowing how to feel. I was so accustomed to expecting the worst...I don't think any part of me really thought it would all be over today. Wow. I really never have to come back to this place again?? I was kinda in a state of shock. It's over, huh? I cried and I'm not even sure why. I got dressed and walked to my car where I had a real "moment". I called my friend and told her...she was very relieved. I was still kinda in disbelief, which she picked up on. She was like "that's good, right? I mean it's what wanted, right?" I told her yeah, but it was just really hard to believe it was all over. And it is. And thought it took some time to sink in...I'm really thankful...really really thankful.
The Quest for Forgiveness....
I thought alot about the scripture that came to me right before the doctor spoke. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I really want to grant forgiveness in this situation...for everyone involved including myself. I also really feel like I'm able to forgive...but to be perfectly honest...I feel like I need a little help. I mean I'm praying about it and I'm talking and writing about it, which helps alot...but, I feel like I need a jump start or one of those "quick start" manuals that come with a new electronic purchase. I want to start Now...but I'm not to sure how. I was talking to one of my friends and I was like "what now?" He recommended a book to me that he thought would be a really good starting place for me. So, my quest leads me to the bookstore. I asked for the book my friend recommended and was led to the appropriate section. I followed the woman past fiction, past religion, past foreign languages and we finally got to the appropriate section "New Age". Hmmmmm....not what I expected, but ok, I'm pretty open minded. She showed me the book and it was huge like a text book. I flipped through the book and it was written in this very distinctive format...like a Bible. It had chapters and verses and sort of a Christian-ish theme. Hmmmm....ok, so this isn't exactly what I was looking for...lol. I put the book back and told the woman that I needed something a little simpler and less...I don't know...just "less". The lady smiled and seemed to understand, so off we were to the Self-Help section. Ahhh, Self-Help, so this is what it's come too. The first thing I saw was some Dr. Phil book. I was quickly losing hope in this quest. I just refuse to read Dr. Phil....I just can't. A few steps more and I see all these books on self-esteem...Nope, amazingly I'm still really good on that end. I walked down a little more and I saw Oprah...ok, I like Oprah...I figured I must be headed in the right direction. Finally, I started seeing titles like "Get over it!" and "Path to Love"...I figured I'd reached my destination...for better or worse. There were a lot of books to choose from but I settled on one called Dare to Forgive. We'll see what happens...
I spoke with a friend last night. He told me that he was considering calling an ex of his and apologizing to her for a few things, and he asked my opinion on the situation. It told him that he should do what he felt was right and if he felt he had offended her that he should try to make it right. I told him that us women like to know "why", so if he was going to call her he'd better be ready to give all the information she needs. He said his reasons were simple and that at the time he just wasn't man enough to do the right thing. He told me that after seeing what I've gone through he had really been thinking about his actions toward this woman. He felt that he'd wronged her and after seeing what I've gone through, he felt that no woman should be treated that way. I wished him luck in his conversation with her and thanked him for sharing with me. It really meant alot for me to hear that. I know some think it's crazy to be so open about my personal life...honestly, sometimes I think if it's crazy myself. But to hear that this situation has caused someone to thing twice about their actions and move forward with trying to make a wrong right or perhaps avoiding a wrong at all...well, it makes it sooo worth it. If my situation that has been filled with so much pain, hurt and loss can spark a positive change in someone's life, even if for a moment, I don't know...it just make me feel as if the suffering and loss has not been in vain...that means alot to me. I need to feel that this loss was not in vain. I don't want it to be just an experience that you "move on" from. It needs to mean something...to help someone...somehow. I'm committed to that.
I've received so many emails of support, which just amazes me....I truly appreciate each and everyone who reached out to me. And thanks to all who shared their stories with me, some of which made mine look like a fairy tale (well, not really...but you know what I'm sayin). It saddens me that so much pain has come to so many. I truly hope we can all heal, forgive and learn to love and respect each other better.
posted by Jillian at 7:25 PM
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