Audition: McDonalds @ Annie Egian Casting.
The weather got really bad today. I almost fell twice on the slippery concrete on the way to my audition. I guess maybe I shouldn't mix my pain meds with auditions!
I had the most wonderful talk this evening with a practical stranger. I've been pretty open with people about what I've been going through...and this stranger was no different. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't help it, although I am aware that it's not always a good thing. I told him of my issues and he shared some of his. He told me I had to work on "releasing" everything that happened. I told him I didn't feel worthy of releasing it. He said, "But, how do you feel?” I told him that I felt really bad. He said, "And, how do you want to feel?" I looked at him for a second and in a moment of complete honesty I said, "Bad." He said I was getting what I wanted. I told him I didn't feel like I deserved to feel better. I told him that I knew what was right and wrong, and I did wrong and that people who knowingly do wrong don't deserve to just "move on". We talked for several hours and I cried throughout all of them.
Every time he made an argument as to why I should not be so hard on myself, I had a rebuttal on why I should. But then he asked me a question that I had no answer for. He said, “What if your daughter was sitting in your spot right now? What would you tell her? Would you advise her to keep torturing herself by staying in a place of darkness and guilt? Would you tell her that all the good she’s done has been erased by a single act and now she’s a horrible person?” I was stunned at the question…and with tears streaming I simply said, “No”. He asked me what I would say. After a few moments I replied, “I’d tell her that God is merciful and forgiving and kind. And that she made a mistake and she needed to learn from it and move forward with her life. I’d tell her that she wasn’t a horrible person and that God knows her heart and that I love her no matter what.” He said, OK, then you have to live that for your daughter. You have to live the advice you would give. He said you have to love you, so that you can love her, so that she can love her, so that she can love you. Actually he sang it…it’s a song called “I love me so much”. Then he sang a bit of this other song called “I need you to survive”. It goes, “I need you. You need me. We’re all a part of God’s body. Stand with me. Agree with me we’re all apart of God’s body. It is his will that every need be supplied. You are important to me I need you to survive. I’ll pray for you. You pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive….” I kid you not, he sang…lol! Then he said, “Your daughter needs you to survive.” I looked at him and I was amazed when I had no rebuttal. Then I thought of how God had placed this random person in my life at this time for this reason and I could not help but feel so humbled and so grateful….I am continually in awe of God’s grace and he’s shown it too me so many times in the last year alone!. It is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
The weather got really bad today. I almost fell twice on the slippery concrete on the way to my audition. I guess maybe I shouldn't mix my pain meds with auditions!
I had the most wonderful talk this evening with a practical stranger. I've been pretty open with people about what I've been going through...and this stranger was no different. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't help it, although I am aware that it's not always a good thing. I told him of my issues and he shared some of his. He told me I had to work on "releasing" everything that happened. I told him I didn't feel worthy of releasing it. He said, "But, how do you feel?” I told him that I felt really bad. He said, "And, how do you want to feel?" I looked at him for a second and in a moment of complete honesty I said, "Bad." He said I was getting what I wanted. I told him I didn't feel like I deserved to feel better. I told him that I knew what was right and wrong, and I did wrong and that people who knowingly do wrong don't deserve to just "move on". We talked for several hours and I cried throughout all of them.
Every time he made an argument as to why I should not be so hard on myself, I had a rebuttal on why I should. But then he asked me a question that I had no answer for. He said, “What if your daughter was sitting in your spot right now? What would you tell her? Would you advise her to keep torturing herself by staying in a place of darkness and guilt? Would you tell her that all the good she’s done has been erased by a single act and now she’s a horrible person?” I was stunned at the question…and with tears streaming I simply said, “No”. He asked me what I would say. After a few moments I replied, “I’d tell her that God is merciful and forgiving and kind. And that she made a mistake and she needed to learn from it and move forward with her life. I’d tell her that she wasn’t a horrible person and that God knows her heart and that I love her no matter what.” He said, OK, then you have to live that for your daughter. You have to live the advice you would give. He said you have to love you, so that you can love her, so that she can love her, so that she can love you. Actually he sang it…it’s a song called “I love me so much”. Then he sang a bit of this other song called “I need you to survive”. It goes, “I need you. You need me. We’re all a part of God’s body. Stand with me. Agree with me we’re all apart of God’s body. It is his will that every need be supplied. You are important to me I need you to survive. I’ll pray for you. You pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive….” I kid you not, he sang…lol! Then he said, “Your daughter needs you to survive.” I looked at him and I was amazed when I had no rebuttal. Then I thought of how God had placed this random person in my life at this time for this reason and I could not help but feel so humbled and so grateful….I am continually in awe of God’s grace and he’s shown it too me so many times in the last year alone!. It is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.
posted by Jillian at 8:19 PM
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