Man, I found out today that Don Knotts has passed away! That is sooo sad. I might be the biggest Andy Griffith Show fan on the planet. That might sound a little strange but I still think it's one of the greatest shows ever...soooo funny, wholesome, family oriented...just great all the way around. I still watch the reruns to this day, thanks in part to my friend Sue who bought me one of the box sets for a wedding present. I was taking care of E round the clock and I would pop in the Andy Griffith DVD into my laptop. It was one of the few things I was able to watch during that time...no harshness, just good natured humor.

And don't even get me started on Matlock! My grandma and I LOVED to watch Matlock! She would watch him brilliantly figure out a case then she would smile to herself and say "that's a smart, smart man"..lol. My children even watch Matlock when it comes on. Truth be told, it is one of my secret wishes to be able to work on something with Andy at some point during my career...but I gotta hurry...time is movin'.

Andy was awesome, however, it was Don Knotts who, more often than not, stole the show. I've even seen his movies, Shakiest Gun in the West, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, the astronaut one and other's I can't recall right now. He was one of my family's favorites (what can I say, I'm from the south:) and I'm sure that he brought joy and laughter to countless others....Rest in Peace Mr. Knotts.


Don Knotts as Barney

The Andy Griffith Show

Audition: Mountain Dew @ Francene Selkirk-Ackerman Casting.
This was actually a call back for this spot and the guys from NY were there via satellite. I looked around at the other girls in the room and I was the only person of color in the place. I was like, dag, black folks don't drink Mountain Dew?? Lol. The audition went ok but I think I might be a little old for the spot. The girls I auditoned with were like late teens. Anyway it shoots on te 15th, I figure I'll call NY in a few days and see if this will be the spot for me or if I'll have to wait a little longer. Hopefully, this will be it, I sooo need to get this union thing taken care of...finger's crossed!

So I'm sitting at home watching Romancing the Stone with the kids (all week we've been watching old action flicks...Indiana Jones, Goonies, Jewel of the Nile...etc). It's funny that they are just as entertained watching these movies as I was when I was a kid. Anyway, I'm pretty much resigned to a lazy day of sitting on the couch watching movies when I got a phone call from my friend. We were in the middle of a the movie so I let the call go to v/m...but then after little while I decided to check the message, it went something like this. "Hey Jillian, call me back as soon as you can. I just got two tickets for the NAACP Image Awards....they're great seats on the floor - orchestra level. I thought it might be fun for you...call me as soon as you can to let me know if you're interested." What? Ummm....yeah! So I call him back and he tells me I've got like an hour and a half to get ready for this black tie event. Eek..I only have one formal dress that fits and it is like 10 years old (I've lost like 4 dress sizes! Stress...I guess it's good for something). I tried on the dress and asked my daughter for her opinion, she was like...ummmmm...no. Lol. So, five minutes later we're off to the mall. We find this very nice sequins shirt to go with this very cool black skirt that I already had. I buy some earrings and a necklace and we're headed home. I get home with like 20 min. to spare. Quick 10 min shower, 10 min hair and I'm off. Luckily I'm a whiz at doing my makeup in the car...plus I had some time do some finishing touches while I waited for my friend to get ready.

The awards show was great and we had really good seats. There were too many starts in attendance to name but here a few: Samuel Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Ruby Dee, Alicia Keyes, Terrance Howard, Yolanda Adams, Kimberly Elise, Cuba Gooding, Jr., India Arie, Kerry Washington, Isaiah Washington, Common, Ludicrous, the whole casts of the Grey's Anatomy (the first show headed by an African-American woman), Bernie Mac Show, Girlfriends, Half & Half, Everybody Hates Chris...the wife of Medgar Evers and the daughter of Malcom X (she is one fierce sista), the regal Pamela Johnson and soooo many others it's impossible to name. The performances were great too...it started with the Alpha Fraternity doing a step routine (in honor of their 100th anniversary), then Alicia Keyes sang (and that girl can really saaang), then the Neville Brothers performed and it was topped off by the grand finally with the phenomenal Carlos Santana accompanied at times by Anthony Hamilton. Mr. Santana was amazing!! It was a long show, but worth it.

After the show we mingled a bit...I was looking very glam with my blue eyeshadow, gold lip gloss and sequins dress...I could see people looking at me trying to figure out if they could recognize me....No, not yet...but soon! Lol. During Yolanda Adam's award speech she told the crowd that there was absolutely nothing that they could not achieve as long as they put God first...nothing. Then she looked to the people in the balcony and told them to hold on to their dreams and that next year they could very well be sitting "down here" (meaning the main floor). I figure if they could make the journey from the balcony to the orchestra in a year...I should be able to make the journey from the back of the orchestra to the front, right? I mean it's only like 15 rows...surely that's doable :)

My friend introduced me to alot of people and we actually ended up obtaining passes to the official NAACP after party which was also being held at the Shrine Auditorium. We walked over to the party which was soooooo awesome. The musicians were absolutely phenomenal ...at one point the saxophonist held a note for at least like 7 min straight! He even gave me a personal serenade...it was amazing...amazing! He got a standing ovation before he even finished the song. Then came this crazy talented sister on the violin and together they really brought the house down. The music was a blend of jazz, hip-hop & classical...sounds strange but it was off the chain! After they finished the dj started and party continued. There was great food, drink, music, dancing and wonderful fellowship. To sit back and think of all the talent, beauty, passion and love that was in that place is just phenomenal. To have been a part of it was a beautiful thing.


Me & India Arie


Me & Director Mobolaju Olambiwonnu


Again, Me & Director Mobolaju Olambiwonnu


After party...if you look closely I'm in the middle.


The dress my daughter rejected...I guess it is a bit dated :)

Good news! I FINALLY got a call from BBDO (the NY advertising agency that's handling the FFF commercial). They said that they might have a spot for me. Awesome! It's a Mountain Dew commercial that they said they're very excited about. I'm supposed to go meet with the production agency on Sunday...I'm not sure why I'm meeting with production instead of casting...and I don't know why it's on a Sunday....but I' guess it'll all make sense the day after tomorrow!

Today was a good day...it started out rocky, but ended up really great (yes, great...when's the last time I used that word?!). Everyday that passes brings more distance and more clarity. It's amazing how clouded your mind can be when you're in the midst of a situation...and how you can not even know how clouded you are. I feel like the fog is finally beginning to lift and I'm thinking clearer than I have in months. Even when I think about last week, or even a couple days ago I'm like....wow...I've already come a long way. And I bet next week this time I'll be like Wow! I've really come a long way! And a month from now I may be a different person, or maybe the same person just improved (hopefully!). I took a moment a prayed for my ex and his mistress today...and let me tell ya, I didn't think I'd be doing That anytime soon...if ever! It wasn't easy and I had to take a loooong pause to think of what to say...lol. I just prayed that God's will be done in their lives and that God build up their weak places so that their lives could be sources of joy and not pain. Then I prayed that very same prayer for myself. I shed a few tears...but it wasn't that bad. I'm definitely letting go...I think that's progress.

Callback: McDonalds @ Annie Egian Casting.
This went well. The ad agency for this spot is out of Chicago and I've worked with them before. Would be nice to get an avail...and nicer to get a booking.

Audition: My Name is Earl @ Dava Waite Casting (straight to producers!)
Ok...don't ask me where this came from! Got a call from my manager for a same day, straight to producer audition. I haven't gone straight to producers since my Acme days, and that was months ago. I go in and I see all these well-known actors, some of which I've been watching on TV for years. I couldn't help but feel so blessed sitting there among them...especially considering I have no union, no theatrical agent and only one LA credit..lol. God is amazing. There were all different types and races reading for my role so safe to say they haven't figured out what direction they want to go yet. The role was a young wealthy step-mom. I'm not sure if it was a guest or co-star, but the character has several scenes throughout the episode so at the very least it is a large co-star. My read went well, I read four scenes and they laughed during each of them and before I left Dava told me I had done very good work. They probably say that to everyone, but, hey, I'll take it! Nick Anderson was there too, I met him at Actorsite several months ago and he's a very cool guy. He's cool, but he can be Very tough...so when he laughed and told me I did a good job, I took it to heart. A few more auditions like this would be nice!

Today was a good day. It's weird but I swear the sun was even shining a little brighter this morning. I can kinda see the light breaking through the night. As crazy as Monday was, it really allowed me to put that situation to rest and Wed. allowed it to all be concluded. I'm now in the midst of cleaning up the aftermath and making sure I learn everything possible from this situation. I've been doing a good job of staying focused and staying positive and I know great things are in my future. I know my life is meant to be significant. I think today's auditions were only a glimpse of the blessings that I have in store if I continue to keep negative things out of my life. It may be just a coincidence, but I prefer to think of it as a sign....a sign that I am moving in the right direction.
I've been listening to a cd I got from West Angeles for about two weeks now...today I feel like I actually heard it for the first time. He talked about sometimes you can't receive the blessing of God b/c you're not in the right place. Sometimes God has to take you out of that place, out of your comfort zone...into the deep.

Audition: TGI Friday's @ Deb Kurtz Casting
This went well...it seems like a really funny spot.

Had my doctors appt...no almonds this time. My girlfriend and I talked before I went. She kept telling me that it was not my responsibility to punish myself for this situation. As I laid on the exam table I thought of her words. I decided that I was going be strong no matter what the outcome. I was like...Ok, Lord, whatever I have to go through, I'll go through. I can take it. This exam was more involved than the last one and the doctor was different too. She was an older Asian woman and though she was nice, she wasn't too big on small talk. As a lay there my mind began to wander and a scripture crossed my mind..."Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Right after I thought that I heard the voice of the dr. say "ok, all done". I asked her what she meant. "All clear", she said. "So...everythings ok??" I asked her. She said yes but cautioned me to take it easy until all the symptoms had subsided. She told me if any issues persisted past Saturday to call them back. And then she was gone. I sat there...stunned...not really knowing how to feel. I was so accustomed to expecting the worst...I don't think any part of me really thought it would all be over today. Wow. I really never have to come back to this place again?? I was kinda in a state of shock. It's over, huh? I cried and I'm not even sure why. I got dressed and walked to my car where I had a real "moment". I called my friend and told her...she was very relieved. I was still kinda in disbelief, which she picked up on. She was like "that's good, right? I mean it's what wanted, right?" I told her yeah, but it was just really hard to believe it was all over. And it is. And thought it took some time to sink in...I'm really thankful...really really thankful.

The Quest for Forgiveness....
I thought alot about the scripture that came to me right before the doctor spoke. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I really want to grant forgiveness in this situation...for everyone involved including myself. I also really feel like I'm able to forgive...but to be perfectly honest...I feel like I need a little help. I mean I'm praying about it and I'm talking and writing about it, which helps alot...but, I feel like I need a jump start or one of those "quick start" manuals that come with a new electronic purchase. I want to start Now...but I'm not to sure how. I was talking to one of my friends and I was like "what now?" He recommended a book to me that he thought would be a really good starting place for me. So, my quest leads me to the bookstore. I asked for the book my friend recommended and was led to the appropriate section. I followed the woman past fiction, past religion, past foreign languages and we finally got to the appropriate section "New Age". Hmmmmm....not what I expected, but ok, I'm pretty open minded. She showed me the book and it was huge like a text book. I flipped through the book and it was written in this very distinctive format...like a Bible. It had chapters and verses and sort of a Christian-ish theme. Hmmmm....ok, so this isn't exactly what I was looking for...lol. I put the book back and told the woman that I needed something a little simpler and less...I don't know...just "less". The lady smiled and seemed to understand, so off we were to the Self-Help section. Ahhh, Self-Help, so this is what it's come too. The first thing I saw was some Dr. Phil book. I was quickly losing hope in this quest. I just refuse to read Dr. Phil....I just can't. A few steps more and I see all these books on self-esteem...Nope, amazingly I'm still really good on that end. I walked down a little more and I saw Oprah...ok, I like Oprah...I figured I must be headed in the right direction. Finally, I started seeing titles like "Get over it!" and "Path to Love"...I figured I'd reached my destination...for better or worse. There were a lot of books to choose from but I settled on one called Dare to Forgive. We'll see what happens...

I spoke with a friend last night. He told me that he was considering calling an ex of his and apologizing to her for a few things, and he asked my opinion on the situation. It told him that he should do what he felt was right and if he felt he had offended her that he should try to make it right. I told him that us women like to know "why", so if he was going to call her he'd better be ready to give all the information she needs. He said his reasons were simple and that at the time he just wasn't man enough to do the right thing. He told me that after seeing what I've gone through he had really been thinking about his actions toward this woman. He felt that he'd wronged her and after seeing what I've gone through, he felt that no woman should be treated that way. I wished him luck in his conversation with her and thanked him for sharing with me. It really meant alot for me to hear that. I know some think it's crazy to be so open about my personal life...honestly, sometimes I think if it's crazy myself. But to hear that this situation has caused someone to thing twice about their actions and move forward with trying to make a wrong right or perhaps avoiding a wrong at all...well, it makes it sooo worth it. If my situation that has been filled with so much pain, hurt and loss can spark a positive change in someone's life, even if for a moment, I don't know...it just make me feel as if the suffering and loss has not been in vain...that means alot to me. I need to feel that this loss was not in vain. I don't want it to be just an experience that you "move on" from. It needs to mean something...to help someone...somehow. I'm committed to that.

I've received so many emails of support, which just amazes me....I truly appreciate each and everyone who reached out to me. And thanks to all who shared their stories with me, some of which made mine look like a fairy tale (well, not really...but you know what I'm sayin). It saddens me that so much pain has come to so many. I truly hope we can all heal, forgive and learn to love and respect each other better.

I heard this great song when I was at Agape on Sunday. Tonya Perkins (2 time Tony award winning actress) and her two adorable children (a daughter of about 10 and her very handsome son who was about 5) sang a beautiful song called "Imagine Me". It was very touching. Anyway I found it online today and it has been such a blessing...I wish there was a way I post the audio on my blog.

The song actually inspired me to take action on moving forward in some areas. I haven't spoken to my mom for a few weeks now. The last time we spoke it was regarding the situation I was in. It is such a rare thing for me to call my mom about my problems... I mean a really, really rare thing... but I called her about this. I just felt like I needed her advice and guidance. I'm not sure what I expected...but I know that what I received from her was definitely much Less what I expected. I mean, she's my mom and I was calling her about one of the most difficult situations I've had to face. Anyway, long story short, I haven't been taking any of her calls for weeks. But, it's time to start moving forward, which means acceptance and forgiveness and love. And I do love my mama. I decided to call her. The conversation went ok, but I had to cut it kinda short. Baby steps... I'm not there yet but I'm moving forward!

Imagine Me

Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I,
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities and I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me.
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me,
Can you imagine me.
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me, Lord can you imagine me.
Over what my momma said and, healed from what my daddy did and
I wanna live and not read that page again.

Chorus:
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me, I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me, finally I can imagine me.

Imagine me
Being strong and not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around.
Can you imagine me.
In a world, in a world where nobody has to live afraid,
Because of your love, it's gone away,
Can you imagine me.
Letting go of my past and
Glad I have another chance and
My heart will dance cause I don't have to read that page again.

Chorus

(Spoken)This song is dedicated to people like me. Those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self-esteem. If you'’ve never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough, but imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now gone.
Gone, Gone, it's Gone, All Gone. Every sin. Every mistake. Every failure. It's all gone. Depression. Gone, by faith it's Gone. . Low Self-Esteem. Hallelujah. It'’s gone. All Gone. All my scars. All my pain. What's in the past is yesterday. It'’s all Gone. What your mother did, what your father did. Hallelujah. It'’s gone. All gone.

Today was a pretty decent day. I went with a friend to a new church called Agape. It was a very interesting experience. It was kind of a New Age Yoga / Christian-ish church. They started with a 25 min meditation. After a bit the pastor started to speak...I was a bit skeptical but felt a little better when he mentioned Jesus...lol. He spoke alot of love and forgiveness and not being separated from God and weighed down by your past mistakes. Actually the last 3 sermons I've heard were on the theme of "stepping out of your past into your future"...maybe God's trying to tell me something.

Audition: McDonalds @ Annie Egian Casting.

The weather got really bad today. I almost fell twice on the slippery concrete on the way to my audition. I guess maybe I shouldn't mix my pain meds with auditions!

I had the most wonderful talk this evening with a practical stranger. I've been pretty open with people about what I've been going through...and this stranger was no different. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't help it, although I am aware that it's not always a good thing. I told him of my issues and he shared some of his. He told me I had to work on "releasing" everything that happened. I told him I didn't feel worthy of releasing it. He said, "But, how do you feel?” I told him that I felt really bad. He said, "And, how do you want to feel?" I looked at him for a second and in a moment of complete honesty I said, "Bad." He said I was getting what I wanted. I told him I didn't feel like I deserved to feel better. I told him that I knew what was right and wrong, and I did wrong and that people who knowingly do wrong don't deserve to just "move on". We talked for several hours and I cried throughout all of them.

Every time he made an argument as to why I should not be so hard on myself, I had a rebuttal on why I should. But then he asked me a question that I had no answer for. He said, “What if your daughter was sitting in your spot right now? What would you tell her? Would you advise her to keep torturing herself by staying in a place of darkness and guilt? Would you tell her that all the good she’s done has been erased by a single act and now she’s a horrible person?” I was stunned at the question…and with tears streaming I simply said, “No”. He asked me what I would say. After a few moments I replied, “I’d tell her that God is merciful and forgiving and kind. And that she made a mistake and she needed to learn from it and move forward with her life. I’d tell her that she wasn’t a horrible person and that God knows her heart and that I love her no matter what.” He said, OK, then you have to live that for your daughter. You have to live the advice you would give. He said you have to love you, so that you can love her, so that she can love her, so that she can love you. Actually he sang it…it’s a song called “I love me so much”. Then he sang a bit of this other song called “I need you to survive”. It goes, “I need you. You need me. We’re all a part of God’s body. Stand with me. Agree with me we’re all apart of God’s body. It is his will that every need be supplied. You are important to me I need you to survive. I’ll pray for you. You pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive….” I kid you not, he sang…lol! Then he said, “Your daughter needs you to survive.” I looked at him and I was amazed when I had no rebuttal. Then I thought of how God had placed this random person in my life at this time for this reason and I could not help but feel so humbled and so grateful….I am continually in awe of God’s grace and he’s shown it too me so many times in the last year alone!. It is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

Callback: "Dodge" Sobo Casting.
Wow, I can't believe I made this one. I'm sooo not feeling well. But I'm trying to keep it moving...and can't really afford to miss callbacks...though I'm sure I should try to rest more. I'm surprised I even got a callback for this...I thought they were looking for a surfer girl and that is sooo not me. I guess we'll see.

As I was trying to rest earlier, my elderly neighbor knocked on my door. Her husband has Parkinson's and he'd fallen and couldn't get up. I've helped him before when he fell outside my door and let me tell ya, it wasn't easy. I knew I shouldn't be trying to lift a 90 year old man with his 80 year old wife in my condition, but really...what are you gonna do. I told her to give me a second to get dressed and I'd be right there. When I got there he was lying on the floor, his wife said "we need a man". I told her I didn't know any...which is unfortunately too true. The old man said "be careful". I told them that I could handle it and I went about trying to lift him up. After 5 or 10 min I got him to his feet...his wife called me their angel...no, I said, I'm certainly no angel. The old man told said thank you, which is just about the extent of his English and I went home. As soon as I laid down I knew I had over done it and was really not feeling well. But even in my weakness I was strong enough to help and for that I'm grateful. My mom always said..."there's always someone worse off than you." I'm really glad I could help. Even though it made my body feel worse, it made my spirit feel better.

Had a doctor’s appt today, unfortunately the news wasn't great. They gave me some additional meds to see if I can avoid having to have minor surgery. If they don't work I have to go back on Sat. for the procedure. I don't know which is worse the meds or the surgery. I took the meds before and they made me sooooo sick...I'm really scared and I really don't want to go down that road again...but it looks like I don't have much choice....hopefully all will go as well as possible. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. That's what they say, right?

Audition: Dodge @ Sobo Casting. This was a last minute audition but it really worked out b/c both this one and the Target audition were at Castaway, so I got a kinda 2 for 1.

Audition: Target @ Annissa Williams. Thanks to my friend Spence for hooking me up with this audition. I'm already on avail for one of their spots, but it’s good to get in for different role...the more chances the better. I was a little young for the spot; it was actually more for early to mid 30's. It was for a young mom and I auditioned with the most adorable little girl. She was 5 but looked about 3...it was weird cause in a way she looked so much like me...big crazy hair, my complexion, big smile and soooo happy. She ran up and gave me a hug at the end of the audition. Outside I told her mom how great she was and that she was absolutely adorable. As I watched them leave my heart was sooo heavy. Is this really my life?

Happy Valentine's Day to all that celebrate. I was hoping to have a pretty quiet I was really, really hoping not to hear from my ex...but sure enough when I got home from my auditions there was a package outside my door. I really didn't need this today. I looked in the bag and it was a plant of some sort, candy and money for my children. I decided that I couldn't even entertain this foolishness...and I dropped the package off by the dumpster on my way to church.

Met an old friend at church...my church was having a nice V-day program for the young people. It was a good time and nice to catch up with my friend. I had an extra rose and gave him a rose and told him to give it to him mom for v-day. He told that his mom passed away a few weeks ago! He seemed to be doing pretty well...but all of a sudden I just started crying! I couldn't help it. I was like, 'I am so sorry, I'm acting like it was my mama'...lol. He asked me if I was ok...God! Could I be more of a mess?? Maybe I'm just not fit to be a part of society right now. Anyway, I was able to kinda make a joke and end the evening on a positive note...at least I think.

Avail "Target", Danielle Eskanazi Casting. This spot comes with a guarantee of a lot of money. Would be really great to book!

Audition: "Untitled Film" @ Linda Phillips-Palo. Linda called me yesterday directly for this audition. I met her at Actorsite in December. I answered the phone and she was like, "Hi Jillian, this is Linda Palo-Phillips, casting director. I met you a little while ago, do you remember me?" Do I remember YOU?? Thanks for remembering me! I told her yes and she explained the project and we set up an audition time. The audition went well...Linda and her husband Paul were very, very nice...and I could tell from the smile on her face that she was happy she called me in...very cool.

That's good news. A step in the right direction, right? I guess. Everyone says to move forward. Huh...I wonder if people really understand loss. I've had so much recently. It can really be overwhelming...and "move on" is just not so helpful, though I know that my friends are coming from a place of love. So much loss...I'm starting to expect it around every corner...lol. I don't even know how to begin to heal. Well, that's not true. I know that it begins in God, but, I don't know....my heart is just heavy...and empty. Can something be heavy and empty?? I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and I don't feel good. I guess I'm just having a moment. I'm sure one of many.

Missed an audition today AND yesterday for National City Bank @ Melissa Martin Casting. Going through a terrible thing...sometimes there just are no words.