Wow, what a crazy day for my first post. Who knows though...maybe the "craziness" of my day is what finally drove me to write....
Do you ever wonder why you sometimes have to tell FIVE stories just to make ONE story make sense?! I have a real tendency to do that...which I will try to fight right now. So here's the short of it: My ex-boyfriend has Cancer. Wow...it feels crazy just to write that. Dammit...I think I might cry now. No... I HAVE to get through this. Ok so he called me today and told me he has cancer of the kidney and possibly the lung. I'm not exactly sure why he chose to make me one of the first people he called, what with me being 2000 miles away from him. He's in Chicago and I'm in Los Angeles. Also our breakup was what one might call tumultuous. I moved to LA for acting (big surprise right) last month, I had been acting in Chicago for several years and decided that it was time to as they say in the vernacular "sh!t or get off the pot". Anyway this guy and I had dated before and began dating again last November which was about a month after I decided to move. The first time we attempted to date it failed misterably. I mean, we had this great chemistry, but there were so many other issues...insecurity, jealous, major fundamental differences...blah blah blah ...in short, we didn't work out. Fast forward to last Nov. we decided to date again, and for some reason it just felt very different this time. Very good, very nice. I think I might actually marry this man, I think to myself. One major difference is that I made a decision to accept him AS IS. Now for all the guys who don't know, this is a REALLY tough thing for women to do. But I do this because I know its the only way our relationship has a fighting chance. Now its December, we are getting along beautifully....I'm basically living with him since I moved out of my apt in November in prepearation for my move to Cali. He's treating me like a queen, which he always did...I took him home to meet my family, which I never do...we are just doing really well. Or so I thought. To make a long story short, if thats even possible at this point, one day I did something I am not very proud of....I checked my boyfriends email.
Wrong I know, but I did it. On the surface everything looked good... no crazy messages from girls (or guys) in his inbox...I'm very pleased. But then a little voice told me to check his sent messages. Yes ladies, and gentlemen for that matter, though I DO NOT condone snooping in someone elses personal property...if you are going to check your SO's email check the SENT messages file & the TRASH. As I was saying, I checked his sent messages and I found sooooo much crap. He had responded to all these adds off of a popular free website which shall remain nameless... I'll call it megslist.org. He had inquired about one girls "rates", told one girl who was into S&M all the sick, disgusting things he wanted to do to her....told one girl how he would make her sit on his face until she begged him to stop, and numerous other things including urine, and that stick jockeys hit their horses with... blah blah blah.. it's really bad. But what's worse is the fact that he included his name, phone number, body type (all of his body mind you) etc ...Aaarrgh...Ugh! Really, Really, Really, Really Bad! So I packed up what little stuff I have I had and left his home immediately. At first he wouldn't even apologize. He told me not to "judge" him. Can you believe that? "Don't judge me" he said. "F$!K you!", I thought... who am I kidding I probably said it too. But that really really hurt me is the fact that I trusted him so completely. I mean, I trusted this man more than I have trusted anyone....ever....and he broke my heart into teeny, tiny little pieces. It was all I could do to pull it together and move....I ended up staying with a friend of mine and her husband for the next few weeks until my official move date. I was a total wreck. Crying one minute and detrmined never to cry again in the next. All the while begging God to grant me his comfort and to help me forgive this man who hurt me so. I have alway felt that if you allow yourself to hate someone, then it is they who win...if you can forgive, the victory is yours. I did decide however that he was not a nice person, and he was not good for me in any way...so although I was working on forgiving him, I also decided that we did not need to be in contact with each other any more. Just go our separate ways. He, of course, did not agree...eventually did begin apologizing profusely...but it was too late...and I had already moved to LA.
And today, after all this sh*t, he calls me and says he has cancer. Can you pray for me, he says. I told him not to worry. Four hours later I cried. I really don't understand what to do now. Does this somehow change what has happened between us?? Am I supposed to have some sort of miraculous transformation? Is the hurt and betrayl that I've been forced to carry around in my heart supposed to just fade away into the sunset? Am I supposed to embrace this man? I mean what is my role here? How did I get here? And why do I feel like the most horrible person in the world for thinking these thoughts.
I am already soooo stressed out what with the move, and trying to find an apt, and trying to find some place to live while I find an apt, and trying to find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find some place to live while I find an apt. Also being a non union, over 25 actress in LA is like CRAZY. Plus did I mention I have children who I miss terribly but have to be separated from until I find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find a place.... What I'm basically saying is I DONT NEED ANYMORE STRESS! Ugh! What a horrible person I am for saying that. I mean he has cancer, right? It just makes me so sad. For more reasons than I can count.
So this is my first post. Really long. Terrible subject matter. But the bright side is, it can only get better from here (knock on wood).
Do you ever wonder why you sometimes have to tell FIVE stories just to make ONE story make sense?! I have a real tendency to do that...which I will try to fight right now. So here's the short of it: My ex-boyfriend has Cancer. Wow...it feels crazy just to write that. Dammit...I think I might cry now. No... I HAVE to get through this. Ok so he called me today and told me he has cancer of the kidney and possibly the lung. I'm not exactly sure why he chose to make me one of the first people he called, what with me being 2000 miles away from him. He's in Chicago and I'm in Los Angeles. Also our breakup was what one might call tumultuous. I moved to LA for acting (big surprise right) last month, I had been acting in Chicago for several years and decided that it was time to as they say in the vernacular "sh!t or get off the pot". Anyway this guy and I had dated before and began dating again last November which was about a month after I decided to move. The first time we attempted to date it failed misterably. I mean, we had this great chemistry, but there were so many other issues...insecurity, jealous, major fundamental differences...blah blah blah ...in short, we didn't work out. Fast forward to last Nov. we decided to date again, and for some reason it just felt very different this time. Very good, very nice. I think I might actually marry this man, I think to myself. One major difference is that I made a decision to accept him AS IS. Now for all the guys who don't know, this is a REALLY tough thing for women to do. But I do this because I know its the only way our relationship has a fighting chance. Now its December, we are getting along beautifully....I'm basically living with him since I moved out of my apt in November in prepearation for my move to Cali. He's treating me like a queen, which he always did...I took him home to meet my family, which I never do...we are just doing really well. Or so I thought. To make a long story short, if thats even possible at this point, one day I did something I am not very proud of....I checked my boyfriends email.
Wrong I know, but I did it. On the surface everything looked good... no crazy messages from girls (or guys) in his inbox...I'm very pleased. But then a little voice told me to check his sent messages. Yes ladies, and gentlemen for that matter, though I DO NOT condone snooping in someone elses personal property...if you are going to check your SO's email check the SENT messages file & the TRASH. As I was saying, I checked his sent messages and I found sooooo much crap. He had responded to all these adds off of a popular free website which shall remain nameless... I'll call it megslist.org. He had inquired about one girls "rates", told one girl who was into S&M all the sick, disgusting things he wanted to do to her....told one girl how he would make her sit on his face until she begged him to stop, and numerous other things including urine, and that stick jockeys hit their horses with... blah blah blah.. it's really bad. But what's worse is the fact that he included his name, phone number, body type (all of his body mind you) etc ...Aaarrgh...Ugh! Really, Really, Really, Really Bad! So I packed up what little stuff I have I had and left his home immediately. At first he wouldn't even apologize. He told me not to "judge" him. Can you believe that? "Don't judge me" he said. "F$!K you!", I thought... who am I kidding I probably said it too. But that really really hurt me is the fact that I trusted him so completely. I mean, I trusted this man more than I have trusted anyone....ever....and he broke my heart into teeny, tiny little pieces. It was all I could do to pull it together and move....I ended up staying with a friend of mine and her husband for the next few weeks until my official move date. I was a total wreck. Crying one minute and detrmined never to cry again in the next. All the while begging God to grant me his comfort and to help me forgive this man who hurt me so. I have alway felt that if you allow yourself to hate someone, then it is they who win...if you can forgive, the victory is yours. I did decide however that he was not a nice person, and he was not good for me in any way...so although I was working on forgiving him, I also decided that we did not need to be in contact with each other any more. Just go our separate ways. He, of course, did not agree...eventually did begin apologizing profusely...but it was too late...and I had already moved to LA.
And today, after all this sh*t, he calls me and says he has cancer. Can you pray for me, he says. I told him not to worry. Four hours later I cried. I really don't understand what to do now. Does this somehow change what has happened between us?? Am I supposed to have some sort of miraculous transformation? Is the hurt and betrayl that I've been forced to carry around in my heart supposed to just fade away into the sunset? Am I supposed to embrace this man? I mean what is my role here? How did I get here? And why do I feel like the most horrible person in the world for thinking these thoughts.
I am already soooo stressed out what with the move, and trying to find an apt, and trying to find some place to live while I find an apt, and trying to find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find some place to live while I find an apt. Also being a non union, over 25 actress in LA is like CRAZY. Plus did I mention I have children who I miss terribly but have to be separated from until I find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find a place.... What I'm basically saying is I DONT NEED ANYMORE STRESS! Ugh! What a horrible person I am for saying that. I mean he has cancer, right? It just makes me so sad. For more reasons than I can count.
So this is my first post. Really long. Terrible subject matter. But the bright side is, it can only get better from here (knock on wood).
posted by Jillian at 10:44 PM
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