The film is a pretty unorganized which makes everything a little more stressful. I am still very positive that it will be a good piece for my reel though. We are set to shoot on Sat. and hopefully will rehearse on Thurs and Fri.

The director from the film that I'm shooting in LA on the 27th (the day I fly back!) has moved the call time up to 1130am! I'm scheduled to arrive in LA at 930am...we'll see how that goes...i hear the weather is going crazy in LA. I hope all goes well, the director has been calling me all week...more stress...but its ok, I'm doing what I love.

On a personal note, I don't think I'm doing as well. I went out with my ex (the one who's sick) yesterday and it was very difficult to say the least. He is on a confessing spree - I guess having life and death situation will do that do a person... anyway he basically told me that he started another relationship before ours ended. So while I was devastated and trying to cope with learning about his internet escapades, he had basically already established another relationship and bid me adieu. He said it was because he knew I was moving to Los Angeles and was scared of being alone. Huh...really? I'm moving to LA where I no virtually no one, and he, in his hometown of Chicago, is afraid of being alone....interesting. It's funny because I actually saw him and the girl together before I left (we all worked in the same building). They were in his car in a garage... I couldn't help but think of this when he called me and asked if I could accompany him to the hospital to pick up his x-rays, of course in the same car I saw them in. Oh, did I mention they are still together. He said he needs me for strength to get through this illness. I told him I'd be there for him for support. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing....I seek her everyday.

My week has consisted of taking care of a sick, cheating ex, sleeping about 18 hours a day and rehearsing for this film in between...I'm a little concerned about my well-being. I've never slept so much in my life. Going back to LA will be very good for me.

Today was a good day which I really needed because the last day or two was kinda crazy. I am presently in such a transitional state (aka homeless/transient) that its really making me weary. I was hoping to escape some of that weariness by coming back to Chicago to shoot this film, but alas here was weariness staring me in the face again. Luckily in Chicago I do have very good friends that make the load a little easier to bear.

I saw my friend who has cancer...hereafter refered to as FWHC. I called him this morning and asked him if he wanted to go to church. We went and it was very good. It still amazes me...how situations can turn on a dime. One moment you can view a person with such distain and disgust and the next you can really look at them with compassion and unconditional love. Peace in the middle of a horrible situation. That is truly a blessing from God, because let me tell ya, I do NOT have a reputation for "forgiveness"...but I guess I'm getting a crash course lesson. It's amazing how affliction can change people...even if we are not ourselves afflicted. HIS illness, HIS battle has somehow made ME a better person. Amazing.

I met with the director, dp and costumer for the film I'm doing. I think it should be fun. We went shopping for wedding dresses and lingere. They are all very glad I'm here...I guess there was some panic before my arrival, but hopefully I can go into rehearsal with both guns blazing and set everyone's mind at ease.

I'm due back in Los Angeles on the 27th and that same evening I'm due to shoot another film. I talked to the director yesterday and he was very nervous about the weather in Chicago and whether I would be able to make in back in time or be delayed. I informed him that I can do SEVERAL things very, very well. I cannot, however, control the weather!! I mean really HELLO PEOPLE!! I'm really happy to be working but I am also really, really, really stressed out. But then again, I guess everyone is. I suppose I should pray for good weather.

I talked to my mom yesterday. I'm sooo emotional lately. I thought it was just PMS but I've gotten my period and I am still a bit of a wreck. I mean I could cry at the drop of a hat, and I am NOT a crier by any means. Anyway, I was talking to her and I told her how much I appreciate her and all of her support (which is in and of itself amazing, because we do NOT talk like that in my family!) My mom replied in a way that only My mom would...by singing a song. My mom has been singing in church since long before I was born but I'd never heard her sing this particular song....it went "I know someone who cares about all your struggles, I know someone who cares about all your burdens....his name is Jesus". Needless to say, I was crying before she even finished the first sentence. I cried quietly, my mom thinks I'm very strong and tears would surely worry her. In fact everyone seems to think I'm very strong...and I suppose I am. I guess it would just be nice to not have to be... to cry and be weak... just for a moment.

Flew into Chicago yesterday. I had an audition this morning in Milwaukee for a spokesperson for a furniture store. This would be a really great gig. If I got it, I wouldn't have to temp again this year...which would be great. I could really focus on establishing my career in LA. Also had 2 auditions this afternoon, but they were for small non-union things. I'm not really psyched about them. I'm really ready to to move to the next level! Oh, more good news...I think I may have gotten the apt in Santa Monica that I applied for like a month ago!

I am on my way to see my friend with that has cancer. I have calmed down quite a bit since my first blog. It's amazing how God can work things out. I hope to encourage him in some way.

Wow, what a crazy day for my first post. Who knows though...maybe the "craziness" of my day is what finally drove me to write....
Do you ever wonder why you sometimes have to tell FIVE stories just to make ONE story make sense?! I have a real tendency to do that...which I will try to fight right now. So here's the short of it: My ex-boyfriend has Cancer. Wow...it feels crazy just to write that. Dammit...I think I might cry now. No... I HAVE to get through this. Ok so he called me today and told me he has cancer of the kidney and possibly the lung. I'm not exactly sure why he chose to make me one of the first people he called, what with me being 2000 miles away from him. He's in Chicago and I'm in Los Angeles. Also our breakup was what one might call tumultuous. I moved to LA for acting (big surprise right) last month, I had been acting in Chicago for several years and decided that it was time to as they say in the vernacular "sh!t or get off the pot". Anyway this guy and I had dated before and began dating again last November which was about a month after I decided to move. The first time we attempted to date it failed misterably. I mean, we had this great chemistry, but there were so many other issues...insecurity, jealous, major fundamental differences...blah blah blah ...in short, we didn't work out. Fast forward to last Nov. we decided to date again, and for some reason it just felt very different this time. Very good, very nice. I think I might actually marry this man, I think to myself. One major difference is that I made a decision to accept him AS IS. Now for all the guys who don't know, this is a REALLY tough thing for women to do. But I do this because I know its the only way our relationship has a fighting chance. Now its December, we are getting along beautifully....I'm basically living with him since I moved out of my apt in November in prepearation for my move to Cali. He's treating me like a queen, which he always did...I took him home to meet my family, which I never do...we are just doing really well. Or so I thought. To make a long story short, if thats even possible at this point, one day I did something I am not very proud of....I checked my boyfriends email.
Wrong I know, but I did it. On the surface everything looked good... no crazy messages from girls (or guys) in his inbox...I'm very pleased. But then a little voice told me to check his sent messages. Yes ladies, and gentlemen for that matter, though I DO NOT condone snooping in someone elses personal property...if you are going to check your SO's email check the SENT messages file & the TRASH. As I was saying, I checked his sent messages and I found sooooo much crap. He had responded to all these adds off of a popular free website which shall remain nameless... I'll call it megslist.org. He had inquired about one girls "rates", told one girl who was into S&M all the sick, disgusting things he wanted to do to her....told one girl how he would make her sit on his face until she begged him to stop, and numerous other things including urine, and that stick jockeys hit their horses with... blah blah blah.. it's really bad. But what's worse is the fact that he included his name, phone number, body type (all of his body mind you) etc ...Aaarrgh...Ugh! Really, Really, Really, Really Bad! So I packed up what little stuff I have I had and left his home immediately. At first he wouldn't even apologize. He told me not to "judge" him. Can you believe that? "Don't judge me" he said. "F$!K you!", I thought... who am I kidding I probably said it too. But that really really hurt me is the fact that I trusted him so completely. I mean, I trusted this man more than I have trusted anyone....ever....and he broke my heart into teeny, tiny little pieces. It was all I could do to pull it together and move....I ended up staying with a friend of mine and her husband for the next few weeks until my official move date. I was a total wreck. Crying one minute and detrmined never to cry again in the next. All the while begging God to grant me his comfort and to help me forgive this man who hurt me so. I have alway felt that if you allow yourself to hate someone, then it is they who win...if you can forgive, the victory is yours. I did decide however that he was not a nice person, and he was not good for me in any way...so although I was working on forgiving him, I also decided that we did not need to be in contact with each other any more. Just go our separate ways. He, of course, did not agree...eventually did begin apologizing profusely...but it was too late...and I had already moved to LA.

And today, after all this sh*t, he calls me and says he has cancer. Can you pray for me, he says. I told him not to worry. Four hours later I cried. I really don't understand what to do now. Does this somehow change what has happened between us?? Am I supposed to have some sort of miraculous transformation? Is the hurt and betrayl that I've been forced to carry around in my heart supposed to just fade away into the sunset? Am I supposed to embrace this man? I mean what is my role here? How did I get here? And why do I feel like the most horrible person in the world for thinking these thoughts.
I am already soooo stressed out what with the move, and trying to find an apt, and trying to find some place to live while I find an apt, and trying to find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find some place to live while I find an apt. Also being a non union, over 25 actress in LA is like CRAZY. Plus did I mention I have children who I miss terribly but have to be separated from until I find a job so I can make some money while I'm trying to find a place.... What I'm basically saying is I DONT NEED ANYMORE STRESS! Ugh! What a horrible person I am for saying that. I mean he has cancer, right? It just makes me so sad. For more reasons than I can count.

So this is my first post. Really long. Terrible subject matter. But the bright side is, it can only get better from here (knock on wood).